Ashley's Story

      Mother’s Day 2011 is a day I will never forget. It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I went to Newspring Church as usual with my husband and 11-month-old daughter, Ella. Before beginning his message, Pastor Perry Noble asked all the mothers to stand. As I stood, every emotion from the past four years washed over my soul.

      I met my husband at church, although he still doesn’t recall our first meeting. I jokingly thought to myself, “Lord, I wouldn’t mind marrying him.” We were friends and had mutual friends for a couple of years before we fell in love. He started a mime team for younger kids and I started helping out. As if I needed any more reason, seeing his love for the kids and his heart for Jesus, I knew Matt was the one God created for me. We began dating and we were engaged within 6 months. February 2008 we were engaged and began planning our wedding for August 2008.

      March 2008 I sought out a specialist who could help me figure out the months of pain that had my family doctor stumped. Initially my GYN diagnosed an ovarian cyst. After no relief from the pain, exploratory surgery was my best option. May 2008, after a laparoscopic surgery, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was crushed. I was engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I was planning an ocean front wedding. This disease did not fit into my plans.

      Because the disease was advanced, I needed to have additional treatment to preserve my childbearing years. June 2008, I was given an injection to put my body into medical menopause for six months. If I ever had any doubt Matt loved me, the next six months proved my doubts wrong. While the symptoms of menopause were present, they didn’t ruin our beautiful oceanfront sunrise wedding in August. A month into our marriage I had a second laparoscopic surgery to burn out the ever-growing endometriosis. The procedure was all too familiar by March 2009 as I headed into my third laparoscopy in 10 months. With each surgery the allotment of time to have children kept shrinking.

      After my last surgery, I was pretty much told if we wanted to have a family, we needed to start right away. Since the medical menopause was unsuccessful, pregnancy was the next, more drastic treatment before a hysterectomy. From my first round of Clomid, I had six months to get pregnant or I’d probably need another surgery. While I held onto Jeremiah 29:11, I’m a planner by nature and began planning things my way. April 2009, I was on a mission to get pregnant! I had the charts, the thermometer, the ovulation tests. And after five soul-crushing months; my charts, temperatures, and ovulation tests got me nowhere.

      It was then I hit rock bottom and gave up. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I was tired of feeling like I was letting myself and my husband down. (Although, I have to say Matt was more than supportive and loving through all of my self-torment.) I. Gave. Up. And it was then, in all of God’s infinite love and mercy, I felt Him say to me, “Good, now I can take over.” I’ve never felt more relief in my life!
      On my sixth & final month of Clomid, the pregnancy test finally read positive. I felt God speak clearly to me reminding me of His Love and that He wanted this miracle for me more than I did. My pregnancy was healthy. I never got sick. I savored every moment of feeling her growing inside me. I carried my Cuddlebug to 39 ½ weeks. I’ve never felt closer to God than when I was pregnant and ultimately becoming a mother.

      Ella Hope was born perfectly healthy almost exactly a year ago. To say my life is full is an understatement. She has brought so much happiness to our lives. God has taught me so much about His love through Ella. I have the joy of staying home with her and I love watching her grow daily. She’s so smart and so full of life. Ultimately, Ella is a living, breathing reminder that there is always hope in Jesus.

      As much as I wish I could say experiencing pregnancy cured my endometriosis, it came back stronger. Not only is the pain worse, the doctor has found a “cystic mass” on my left ovary. I’ve come to peace with that diagnosis because I’ve gained so much more than physical healing. Through my pregnancy and becoming a mother, God healed my soul. He’s revealed Himself to me more than ever. He’s taken the emotional pain and given me joy. He’s strengthened my marriage. Not because of what we’ve done, but because of who He is.

For You formed my inward parts; 

You wove me in my mother's womb. 

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully 

and wonderfully made; 

Wonderful are Your works

And my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from You, 

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; 

And in Your book were all written 

The days that were ordained for me, 

When as yet there was not one of them. 

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! 

How vast is the sum of them! 

If I should count them, 

they would outnumber the sand. 

When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:13-18 NASB

      June 21, 2011 I’ll be having a complete hysterectomy at the age of 22. Through a lot of prayer and listening to the heart of God I have peace. I have such a peace about this chapter of chronic pain coming to an end. I’ve read this passage from Psalm every day for months. I’ve come to the place where I can confidently say my diseased organs don’t define me. My character in Him defines me. I am not broken. I am not damaged. I am still “fearfully and wonderfully made.” My pain has hindered me as a mother, a wife, and a servant to His kingdom. I refuse to let this disease have any more of my life than it already has.

      Now, my greatest test of faith is financially. Because of my “pre-existing conditions” health insurance isn’t attainable for me this year. With only my husband working, our budget is already tight.

      As I sit here typing in tears, I’m asking the Lord to help me lay down my pride and ask my fellow body of believers for help. The Bible is clear that we are the Body of Christ and the Body should help carry the burdens of its own. These verses are always easier for me to apply when I’m on the giving end. With the support and encouragement of the Hands and Feet group, there is a Paypal button in the sidebar to help fund my surgery. I’m humbly asking for those who the Lord leads to give, that you will do so knowing I’m praying for you and asking God to bless you tenfold. For those who can’t afford to give, will you pray for me and my family as we prepare for surgery and recovery? Will you pray the biopsy shows the mass as nothing to be concerned about?
      I’m excited to be pain free. I’m excited to know what it’s like to have the energy of a 22-year-old. I’m excited to be me again. Most of all, I’m excited and humbled that all of you care enough to take this journey with me. I may not get to meet all of you on this side of Heaven, but I can’t wait to thank you on the other side of Heaven!

      If you are reading this blog post and would like to know how to make Jesus the center of your life or need some encouragement in your current situation, contact your local church, the Hands and Feet Group, or email me, Ashley, personally at HopeForThingsUnseen@gmail.com